Monday, September 8, 2008

World's Lamest Superpowers

Super-speed, flight, telekinesis...all these and more are used by great superheroes every day. But what happens when a hero isn't paying attention when the Power Fairy comes by and they get stuck with the powers no one else wants? Why, they end up on our list, of course.

The Blob

Nobody stops the Blob. We get that. Can't be moved, or hurt, or even shot if he doesn't want to. But what happens when he's not fighting heroes? He's just this slow, fat guy who gets banned from the All-You-Can-Eat places in town!

He's slow, too big to fit into anything but a military vehicle, and probably goes through 2 cases of Axe Body Spray on a daily basis. Any villain mastermind who decides to put him on the team had better budget heavy for food usage!

In a world of slim and trim heroes, The Blob makes them all look good.

Mister Immortal

A hero who always comes back to life. While at first this sounds really handy, tack on the fact that he's otherwise just a normal human being and you can see where this might not be the ground-breaking thing it first seemed. If he were Batman or something, it might be cool. Instead, he's just this normal guy who usually ends up getting killed in every comic book he shows up in. He is the leader of the Great Lakes Avengers.

If he were to settle down and master some martial arts, and perhaps spend a little time in the DC world with Batman, he could be a winner. As it stands now, he's little more than a target.

One thing he does have going for him is a pretty cool outfit. He didn't make our costume list from a few weeks back, but it's still a step in the right direction.

Gorilla-Man

Say you have this thing for experimenting on gorillas. One day, you aren't paying attention and they overpower you and put your head on a gorilla's body. That's Doctor Arthur Nagan, otherwise known as "Gorilla-Man".

There's not a lot more to be said. He has the body and proportionate strength of a gorilla. That also means he smells like one too. Though it's never been shown in the comics, I'd be willing to bet you wouldn't want to be around him when he feels threatened because he'll start throwing poo at you.


Howard the Duck

Besides having one of the worst comic book movies ever made, Howard's never really made that big of a splash (no pun intended). He's a duck, for crying out loud! What kind of super-hero is that? And yet he remains a part of the Marvel Universe, popping up from time to time when comedic relief is needed. Now just imagine if he was on your team and it was up to him to rescue you.

Unfortunately, Howard has had it rough lately. Most restaurants in the greater New York area no longer allow smoking indoors, so he's been having to fend off his cousins in Central Park while still enjoying his Stogie.

Matter-Eater Lad

A member of the Legion of Superheroes for years, Matter-Eater Lad had one superpower: he could eat anything. To be honest, this isn't really that cool of a power because my uncle can eat anything and oftentimes does at Thanksgiving dinner. Still, being the future and all, I guess the Legion needed someone to send in first as a human shield when things got tough.

You do have to pity the Legion's plumber though. Imagine hearing "Matter Eater Lad's stopped up the toilet again!" and knowing it was your job to go in there and see what in the world had come out.

Madcap

Madcap has two superpowers: he can heal quickly, and he can drive people crazy by looking at them. Yes, I know he sounds like Ted Kennedy, but he's not. Carrying around a toy store gun that shoots soap bubbles, Madcap isn't necessarily a villain. He's more like a crazy person who is supposed to be that fun "Ambush Bug" kind of feel.

Beyond being the occasional comic relief, he's almost as useless as Howard the Duck. He's living proof that just because you have a superpower, it doesn't mean you're cool.

2 comments:

The Groovy Agent said...

Now this was one funny list! If you do another, don't forget about Bouncing Boy, all of the Legion of Substitute Heroes, and my vote-getter for worst, Captain Marvel, Jr. who can't even say his own name! How lame is THAT?

Brian said...

Definitely 2 to add to the next list! Thanks! :)

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