Thursday, February 19, 2009

10 Lies Comics Make Us Believe (Part 2)

The last half of the lies comic books make us believe:

6. Bad guys can't hit anything with their guns

Ok, so we have Batman who has been around for decades, but no one can hit him? Forget the armored-up movie versions of the hero, the comic book guy has been in nothing but spandex from day one and the bad guys just can't seem to kill him. I think they're actually much better shots in real life, as the homicide rate in most cities will attest to.

Contrary to what comics tell you, running into a hail of bullets wearing spandex is not a good idea.

7. Super-villains will give you time to escape by taking the time to explain everything

This one was so obvious they even talked about it in "The Incredibles". The problem of "monologuing" has been in comic books for years. Originally it was used because the fast-paced style of comics left little room for a pre-story, so things had to be brought out at the only opportune moment: during the hero's capture.

Of course, these moments of quiet reflection usually last just long enough for the hero to find a way to escape whatever devious trap they've found themselves in, leading the villain to have to capture them again later...only to start talking about the new plan.

8. Bullets are too good for a super-villain to use

They say they hate the good guys, they spend untold amounts of money just to capture them to keep them from foiling their well-laid plans, they finally have them helpless...

...and they stick them in some weird trap or machine...

...and then they walk away and leave the heroes to face their fate (and escape) alone!

The obvious question is this: why not just shoot them and get it over with? You'd think they'd learn after the twentieth time of putting the hero in some elaborate death device and watching them escape that maybe it would be better to just kill them outright instead of trying to make them suffer!

The only villain who ever got the idea was Kraven the Hunter when he captured Spider-Man at the beginning of "Kraven's Last Hunt" and shot him with the tranquilizer dart. If he'd used a real bullet, it would have all been over.

9. Spandex is flattering

For example, here is a spandex-clad Batman in the comic books:
And here we have a spandex-clad Batman in real life:Not quite as pretty a scene as they make it out to be, is it?

On the other hand, this is funny:My dog is going to hate me when it arrives in the mail.

10. Sleep is optional

So you work all day at a job (or not) and then you slap on the spandex and fight crime all night long. No bags under the eyes, no beard stubble, just 100% always-on-the-go superhero.

How on earth could you function as a lawyer defending complex cases when you've just spent the entire night before swinging through the city hitting bad guys? Yet Daredevil finds a way to do it.

Batman never seems to sleep with his Gotham patrol at night, his JLA duty during the day, and his multiple guest appearances in the afternoon. No wonder Bruce Wayne is dead--the stress would have killed anyone years ago!

But somehow these heroes continue on. Maybe they're mainlining coffee and Jolt Colas, but whatever it is, it works for them and keeps them going on roughly 10 minutes of sleep a day. Me? If I get less than 7 hours of sleep I'm pretty much wasted the next morning and useless until the third cup of coffee.

Maybe I need to put on spandex at night and see if that energizes me. Of course, I don't think my wife will appreciate it ("Honey, not again!"), but this is serious research and someone has to figure out how it's done!


So that's my top 10 comic lies. What are you favorite reality-stretchers I missed?

4 comments:

Cullen Bunn said...

A nice list. I think another lie would be that the passage of time has no impact on your age, physique, hairline, or relevancy to changing culture.

james said...

Thanks for your great posts. I'm glad you included the "sleep is optional" myth. Even superheroes need some rapid eye movement.

Aldous said...

What a great, fun list. I really enjoyed it! (It makes me love super-hero comics all the more.) Thanks..

SK said...

Nothing like a fat guy in a batsuit!

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