Thursday, February 26, 2009

Marvel Villains Who Need To Retire


They try time after time to rule the world, and without exception they fail. You'd think they'd get the hint, but there are those baddies who just keep going and going. Here's a few who should seriously consider a new line of work:

Doctor Doom

There was a time when seeing Doctor Doom's name on a comic book cover meant that hero was in trouble! Throw him in against the Fantastic Four, and we knew they were going to have a fight on their hands. Over the years, however, he's sort of lost his menace.

Every single superhero team out there has defeated him over the years, so why is he still considered a major player in anything? I mean, when you can say you were beaten by Power Pack, you need to give it up!

Batroc the Leaper

Batroc can't name a single victory in his long years of evil. Oh, he may knock a hero down before he takes off, but they'll eventually find him and beat the living daylights out of him. Girl Scout Troops laugh at him when he jumps out to scare them.

This is the only villain who gives Stilt-Man a run for his money as far as complete losers go.

The Green Goblin

Harry Osborn is like the Lex Luthor and the Joker of the Marvel Universe rolled into one--only less important.

Yes, he's running the new version of SHIELD right now and is plotting his evil schemes to find out the secrets of all the heroes from Stark's hidden files, but is there a single hero out there losing sleep over it? I think they prank call him on slow days just to get a few laughs.

He was instrumental in the death of Gwen Stacy and was her baby daddy, and that's about the biggest claim to fame he has (outside of killing the Skrull Queen seconds before Wolverine sliced her up).

Red Skull

Back in the 40's, this guy was seriously scary. It seemed Captain America was our only hope when the Red Skull was around. Over the years, however, he just seems like some creepy old man who lurks around watching the kids play in the yard across the street.

Kill him, bring him back...fake his death again, bring him back...really kill him, let him possess some guy and bring him back...but he still never manages to do anything of any lasting importance.

"But he killed Captain America!" you may say. Well, maybe. But then what? Did he finally get to rule the world thanks to killing the one hero who stopped him time and again? Nope. Proving once and for all that it wasn't Captain America that kept him from taking over...he just doesn't have it in him to deliver the goods.

Magneto

Is there a mutant alive who hasn't fought Magneto and beaten him? How many times can you have your tail handed to you by the X-Men and not finally walk away and take the hint?

The only exception to this rule is the Ultimate version of Magneto. That dude is bad! I mean, he killed Professor X with his bare hands in Ultimatum #2, so major props to that version. Maybe he'll be able to change the tide for the bad guys.

4 comments:

Bill, the Wildcat said...

An interesting collection of names here. In Magneto's case, I'm not sure he belongs... but not because of the reason you offer. To me, he's more of an anti-hero. The others are in it just for riches and glory. Magneto does what he does for a noble purpose, but he chooses ignoble means to achieve it. Of course, this is when he's written write, and that has not always been the case. I loved the old X-Men comics when he briefly took over the Xavier School. I thought that was a great storyline, and having him devolve back into a lame villain always upset me.

The Andy Man said...

Oddly enough Dr. Doom is STILL and always will be my favorite villain aside from General Zod. There's just something about the malevolent Victor Von Doom that stands out in the crowd. While I agree with the comment on The Green Goblin, I bet the House of Ideas have plans for him as an interesting bad ass.

US 71 said...

Uh, Norman Osborn is running HAMMER (what used to be SHIELD). I can see where you may have got confused: both Norman and Harry have been the Goblin.

That bit about getting Gwen Stacy knocked up is a load of rubbish as far as I'm concerned. Why ruin a good story with a bunch of retro-continuity garbage?

Brian said...

You're right, US-71. Can't believe I got that confused. Norman is who I was talking about.

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