Thursday, November 13, 2008

More Lame Superpowers

We hit them once, so why not come at it again? More folks who really got the short end of the stick when powers were handed out.

Captain Marvel, Jr.
While he had an awesome set of abilities (basically, Superboy with a little different suit), his biggest drawback has to be the fact that he couldn't even say his own name! Rather than the standard "Shazam!" that turns Captain Marvel and Mary Marvel into their super personas, Freddy ended up with "Captain Marvel!" as a battle cry...and a name! Awkward! Thanks to Groovy Agent for pointing this out, by the way.

Imagine, he saves the day and somebody says, "Thank you! Who are you?" And he has to go, "Um, well, I'm..." and he starts breaking out into a game of charades. Not a great moment.

Stilt Man
There are those villains who strike terror into the hearts of men. Then there are guys like Stilt Man.

Name a hero and he's probably beaten Stilt Man. As a matter of fact, I can't think of a single person the guy has ever defeated in a fight. To be honest, his weakness is a little obvious, and that's why guys like Daredevil, Spider-Man, and the Punisher have consistently handed him his tail on a regular basis. Here's a hint if you ever find yourself fighting for your life against this guy: trip him!

The latest incarnation of the villain actually ended up getting killed by the Punisher in the first issue of Punisher War Journal. Punisher's tactic was simple: blow his legs up with a rocket launcher, then put a bullet in his head (not the quietest way to handle things, but it gets the job done). Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure we'll see someone else in the suit eventually.

Doctor Bong

Aside from the fact that his name sounds like he should have been a serious druggie, this guy had a ton of problems.

For one thing, his head is a bell. That's right folks, this super villain was a walking, talking bell! Ohhhhhh, scary! His superpower? He bangs his head and make a ringing noise. No death ray, no laser eyes, no claws from the back of his hands...just noise. And not even the Banshee kind of thing! Just a loud "Bong!" when he smacked his head.

Granted, that left hand looks like it could do some damage if he hit you with it, but would you seriously look at this person as a criminal mastermind?

Fortunately, Doctor Bong was able to sign on as a spokesman for Bayer aspirin after his criminal career fell through ("I have this ringing headache...and only Bayer will do!").

Paige Guthrie's powers might not seem too lame (she can take on new forms), but it's the way it happens that gets a massive "Gross!" from those around her.

Follow the logic here: she literally rips the outer layer of her skin off! Of course, this is supposed to be cool by revealing some new form she's in, be it metal or an animal shape or whatever. Still, there's just no way you can not see this as a "bad thing".

Her brother is Cannonball, who has a pretty good powerset of his own. You have to feel sorry for this girl. But you really have to feel sorry for the person who happens to stumble across the massive pile of flesh she leaves behind when she changes ("Hey, what's this? It looks like...Oh my God!").

There could be no more disgusting superhero than Maggott. This is a guy who gets his "powers" from two giant slugs who live in his guts!

How did he eat? Well, this is where it gets fun. The two slugs would burrow out of his gut (hurting him the whole time), digest whatever they wanted to, and then burrow back into his gut (hurting again). Can you see where this would cause several awkward moments on a date?

He worked for a brief time with the X-Men and Generation X. Thankfully he's dead now, though one of his slugs is actually in the custody of Mister Sinister. Who knows why he would want to keep one of those incredibly disgusting things, but I guess it's Marvel's way of keeping the guy around in case some huge outcry from both of Maggott's fans causes the need for a reboot of the character someday.

Bouncing Boy
Again, a suggestion from Groovy Agent, this is another member of the Legion of Superheroes that really didn't help a whole lot. He could bounce...that was it.

Basically, he was the Legion's version of Violet Beauregard, that girl on Willy Wonka and Chocolate Factory who ate the blueberry gum and turned into this big blue ball of flesh. His Legion partner Matter Eater Lad (from our last list) could be considered their version of Augustus Gloop. I'll leave it up to you to decide which member would be Willy Wonka.

Bouncing Boy never really ended up doing a whole lot during his tenure with the team, but he did manage to score with Triplicate Girl. I guess that proves girls do enjoy a guy with a sense of humor.

Any suggestions for the next list?

1 comment:

JayAre said...

My suggestion for the next list in this series would have to be for Arm-Fall-Off-Boy. Even for a legioneer, it doesn't get a lot worse than him.

Great blog you have here BTW.

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